Book Review: Tomorrow Comes

Tomorrow Comes is a daring coming-of-age book (A bildungsroman) – the first in a new series – in which an ordinary teenager must come to terms with her own mortality, the loss of all she once knew, and an other-worldly set of rules. The results are dark and uplifting, heart-breaking and humorous, poignant and poetic.

 Based on a true story of love and family, grief and joy, Tomorrow Comes (Starshine Galaxy, 2014) is inspired by the sudden and unexpected death of author Donna Mebane’s own daughter.

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@Barrie Summy

This was an intriguing book. Tomorrow Comes gave me some difficulty at first. It is a young adult (YA) novel. The horror and the angst of losing a child kept haunting me as a parent and an adult reader. Since the author, Donna Mebane, based the novel on the sudden loss of her own daughter Emma, I kept being of two minds. Firstly, she is giving intimate insight into the psyche of her grieving family. I felt, at first, like a voyeur.

I read about half, then picked it up a few days later. The point of view of the grief experienced by family members, friends, and the community, shapes each chapter. Her insight into the grief experienced by each felt, at first, as if I was watching the media as they search the crowds for 'the crier', the close-ups as they zoom in to capture tears.

That made a difference, as I anticipated this review. I changed my perspective from that of a parent, to that of a teen, searching for comfort. Facing death can lead a young person into maturity or abject despair.

bildungsroman

MEANING:

noun: A novel concerned with the maturing of someone from childhood to adulthood.

I read it to the end, on a cold, rainy, yucky pseudowinter day. It warmed me, as I tried to change my mindset: what could I learn from this book?  While any book, any journaling around grief, death and dying, helps the writer, this book could be comforting to young people. We know how much kids are affected by the death of someone their own age. Kids, at risk for depression, can engage in self-harm. This book helps those searching for answers.

Whenever a student in my classroom lost a grandparent, I would grab a picture book, often loaning it to the family. There are many that deal with death and dying. I would use these to promote discussion and open up the classroom community to sharing their needs, fears, hopes and beliefs. It doesn't matter what we believe. It does help to share the grief. The activities need not be limited to elementary students.

The novel, written with the support of the author's adult child, illuminated the grieving process for modern day teenagers who create Community through Facebook, technology, and other social media. I have found that when my late mother wants to communicate with us –she sends smells (pine needles or cleaning products) to my husband. This is ironic, since mom had lost her sense of smell from a childhood disease, and hubby (my 2nd husband), knew her for such a short time.

It doesn't matter what your beliefs are, how can we prove one another wrong? This book would give the parent of a grieving child hope, and a point from which conversations could take place. It is important to open up our minds. It is important to move through grief, mourning and bereavement, towards a place where life goes on. The hardest task of a grieving parent with more than one child, is remembering to honour the child who still lives.

For more ideas and resources:

Children and bereavement

1. Respect their needs: to talk or be silent.
2. Deal with the issues as they arise.
3. Talk to a professional if you need to.
4. Listen to their concerns.
5. Let them know you are upset.
6. Model your strategy for dealing with grief.
7. Do not give them answers if you really do not know the answers.
8. Clear up misconceptions, i.e., false threats, that is it *their* fault.
9. Let them tell their stories: drawing, creating poems, writing letters.
10. Make a fear box. Cut out pictures from magazine that represent their fears and place them in the box.
11. Have them prioritize their fears and talk to you about them.
12. Help others: food banks, give a donation to a cause related to your issue.
13. Read books for children about death and dying. (See my amazon.ca list) There are many for children that help them better understand that life is about, and death, too.

• What do I tell my children about the Newton, Conneticut shootings?
• Children and Grief

A time to mourn

I read a post about epitaphs, and then I remembered...Since my Dad died Feb. 16th, 2007, I thought it a fitting time to post the photos.
The date doesn't matter, I'm not one of those who perseverates on dates.

I remember my parents every day. I often dream that I am phoning my Mom and talking to her! Some perseverate on dates, but that is an unrealistic perception of life.

Today I want to thank a blog friend, Ed.
I also want to write about grief.
First, the thank you.

"Gone, but not forgotten. At rest in their beloved Muskoka"

Ed Boutilier, Muskoka blogger and photographer, very kindly offered to take a photo of my parents grave and grave marker. It is a 5-hour drive for us, and I was quite curious about how the stone looked.

In the Fall, Ed took time for a photo shoot for me. We moved after 60 years of Muskoka cottage country life.

I'd transplanted a globe pine to the grave, as well as the bird bath. A few plants from the garden, and some grasses. Emily, one of Mom's favourite garden statues, sits there with her broken leg. Some rebel mafia raccoons, including Butch, who smacked her around.


There are different kinds of love: there are various anglo interpretations...

 Agápe (brotherly, sisterly love; true love),
Eros (erotic love),
Philia (friendship),
Storge (affectionate love), all different kinds of love as articulated by the Greeks. They were so wise.

Now, if we do not love, then we do not grieve. Loss affects us all- those who risk our emotions to love.

Grief is an interesting human emotion.
Responses to grief (internal feelings), as opposed to mourning (external rituals, Celebrations of Life) and bereavement (your situation), are quite varied.

The late Elizabeth Kübler-Ross determined 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining,  Depression, Acceptance, later revising them to indicate that they aren't so much stages as responses. A lifelong learner and pioneer, she lived and learned from those who are dying. Not sequential, we can move around these stages, at our own pace. We, as mourners, can recognize that we are normal to experience various emotions, and responses to the dying of a loved one.

There are different types of grief, anticipatory (as a loved one is dying), as well as grief that is inhibited, or delayed, abnormal in terms of being delayed, chronic or distorted. At some point one must come to terms with the loss.

In all my years teaching, helping children to deal with the death of a grandparent seemed the most natural thing I could imagine. We honoured our grandparents. Having volunteered with an Expressive Arts Therapist I learned more about this aspect of expressing grief. Very therapeutic. Most Hospice organizations have bereavement groups that have proven their success. I urge you to try one!


All photos by Ed Boutilier, Muskoka cottager and photographer!

Death in scary places

From the OPP news release:

  BELLEVILLE, ON, Feb. 8 /CNW/ - On Sunday, February 7, 2010, the Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) and the Belleville Police arrested 46-year-old Russell Williams, of Tweed, Ontario for the disappearance and death of 27-year-old Jessica Lloyd who was last seen on January 28, 2010.

As a result of information sharing, bless them all who put these pieces together, the Belleville Police Service and the OPP began reviewing other serious incidents in the vicinity of the City of Belleville. Due to similarities in those incidents, the police investigative team linked this case to other crimes.

The body of Jessica Lloyd (left) was located this morning off Carry Road, The Globe and Mail reports, in the Municipality of Tweed.  [View Belleville/CFB Trenton murders in a larger, interactive map.] 
 
In a horrible tragedy, that mimics some of the mystery novels I read, we hear that the top dog at Trenton's base, Col. Russell Williams, one step away from being a general, has been arrested for several violent acts upon women. I have written previously about the War on Women.

I am so very shocked.
On a family trip between Muskoka and Ottawa, we took a detour along the hughway south from Tweed. A leisurely trip, my camera at hand. I presumed the men and women working were part of a training procedure, as there were many places where we saw SUVs belonging to, as I recall, police.

We drove past several groups of police searching in the ditches as we drove south on highway #37, looking for a lunch spot. It was on Oct. 1st, 2009. The first murder occurred September, 2009.
Marie France Comeau was found murdered in her Brighton residence on November 25, 2009. Comeau was a Corporal with 437 Squadron at Canadian Forces Base Trenton, Ontario. Brighton is the southern most pin on the above map. My heart bled for those looking for evidence, as well as the families of who will now be forever identified as victims of violence.

In September of 2009 there were two separate home invasions in the Tweed area, in which two women were the victims of sexual assault.

Williams came to the attention of the police as a result of information gathered during a road side canvass on Highway 37 on the night of February 4,  2010. On Sunday, February 7, 2010 Williams was arrested in Ottawa.  As a result of the intense joint police investigation, Williams is
charged with:
 1. 1st degree murder of Jessica Lloyd,
2. 1st degree murder of Marie Comeau
3. 2 counts of forcible confinement and
4. 2 counts of Break and enter and sexual assault
My sympathies and condolences to the families. My deepest appreciation to those who were instrumental in recovering the victims' bodies, and giving families closure.

My Transformative Moment

Steven, over at his blog, The Golden Fish, had a great idea for a transformative moment post meme.

I think of my life as a journey up a hill. Like the butterfly, I have had stages in my personal growth. Each moment gave me momentum and a reformation. Each time I accomplished something, I grew a little taller. Each time I embraced change, I felt that I learned and reconfigured myself.

Giving birth, winning my first job, gaining confidence in my teaching skills, my first published article, having my very own computer, camera, and other tools - all these things helped socially, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically. Certainly, blogging from our remote location, lakeside where the winter population turns from 5-digits to three, helped me keep in touch with the world. That has transformed the frozen winter into a technological treat.

Perhaps my most transformative moment was sitting beside my father as he lay dying.

Dad’s Passing

(Click on the link for the entire chapter from my book.)
At 12:15 they came in and repositioned him, shifting his weight to his other shoulder. The Personal Support Worker (PSW) offered me tea, coffee or juice and I asked for some tea. He brought me a tray.

I held dad’s hand, rubbed his boney shoulder, rearranged his blankets and looked at his mottled hands again. I counted his breaths at 12:50 and he was breathing 7 times every ten seconds. By 1:00 a.m. he was up to eight breaths. At 1:15 I heard Cheynes-Stokes breathing. His breathing stopped for about 10 seconds or so – it was hard to tell as time stopped for me. It wasn’t upsetting at all. I sat beside him holding my breath. When he started breathing again I was upset. I didn’t know how much longer I could take this! He needed to finally be out of pain. Mom, his parents, his cats and dogs; all were waiting. I had three cups of hot tea and made several visits to the bathroom. I fell asleep around 2:30 a.m., a long night's vigil, and woke around 4:00 as the PSW returned to the room.

The PSW had been in and checked dad. His core was still warm and it hadn’t been long ago that he had passed over. I felt as if a burden was lifted from my shoulders. No more guilt, or worrying over whether I had done enough or done the right thing. I had lobbied for weeks for more pain relief, but they didn't believe that he was in pain. I knew, at least, that he had no pain after his morphine injections.

I asked what had to happen. The doctor they would call at 7:00 a.m., there was no rush. They had rounds to finish and I decided to pack up dad’s room. I couldn’t face going back there that day. They told me I had a couple of days to clean out his things, but felt awake and I didn’t want Brian to lift anything. I carefully removed his Valentine decorations from the door and the window. I went into the bathroom and through out his toiletries and other personal items. I checked his drawers, folded up my comforter, placed the family photos into the pillowcases. It was a two-step process, walking through two passcode protected doors, one floor and a locked front door! They lock the door at night and, having gotten stuck last week, I knew it was hopeless to try and figure out how to get out before the morning staff came on. The PSW came in and washed Dad’s body while I took things down to the car.

Suddenly, I knew I was an orphan. I was the matriarch. There was no one to phone with good or bad news who was older and wiser. I was it. It was a sudden, momentous time. After a time I began to deal with it all. But I was totally shocked at the sudden burden on my shoulders, as well as the liberation of being 'the good daughter', to being able to make decisions.

the meaning of death

Death in paradise
dam thundering in furor
a warning to frail creatures
heading for open waters
rushing as it releases its load
smashing over rocks
whirlpools a death trap
greedy sucking vortex of death
smashing seven thrill seekers look for adventure
thank God for those who saved the four
three sons stolen by the crashing monster
those who perished loved life
red danger signed fair warning
to the power unapparent above
while below her fingers claim their victims
those who negate the Moon's fury

more grieving families sit upriver
the same Moon seeks more souls
bent over and crippled by grief
perching on rocks where picnics are halted
words fail us in the moment
a father, an uncle trapped in fierce waters
onlookers shake their heads in disbelief
celebrating attempts at rescue
they bow and nod in honour
we can only laud those
with shaking hands and bleeding hearts
diving rising diving rising
hauling the frail shells to the surface
success in the retrieval
exhaustion overcome by adrenalin
they seek solace from loved ones
mud on their feet
tears mingle with river water

where is the rhyme and reason
to this oft-repeated dance with death?
they work so hard to rescue the empty shells
men once full of life
families must find solace in closure
bodies over which to mourn
honour their lives

honour our heroes
dressed in red, yellow and blue
bone weary and chilled
our crews
with the agony of failure
carry up bodies
lifeless
and white with cold
fatherless children
husbands, brothers, sons gone in an instant
be careful
be safe
somebody out there loves you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For more about this tragedy, read Bala Falls Drowning

death and taxes

I was trying to wax poetic this week. After taking more than 1000 photos on a -day trip...I am overwhelmed. Then I opened a newspaper.

Lots of deaths this week:

• Michael Jackson
• Farrah Fawcett
• Romeo LeBlanc, former Governor General of Canada

Home again, though -
We still have 4 goslings and 5 ducklings, 3 happy cats, and our bear. We made it back safely from Lake Superior. What a relief to both leave and return. Crazy drivers out there and crazy tourist. They trap the bears.

Lots of taxes:
- filed my late father's estate bill today (he died in 2007). While death and taxes are both certain, death with taxes is the BIG certainty. We paid a tax to have me named beneficiary, rather than the original person who declined to be involved. For a piece of paper we paid a 5-digit amount (a percentage of the estate value, including the value of the house...)
We had to file a personal tax for dad in 2007, then file for his estate for the same year. Then, since we declared him disabled (with a brain tumour, physically and cognitively incapaciated) we got back a refund (with interest) for 2008. Then we had to pay taxes this month - on the interest of the refund interest($35). We put the balance of the estate in a non-tax bearing account in order both to NOT earn interest, and not to have to pay taxes on it. But all this had to filed finally for 2008 - for now. Long story, thank goodness for our accountant...

And our final property tax bill came, too. Almost as much as one semester's tuition. Glad the kids are through university and gainfully employed!
And despite having irregular garbage pick-up in winter, and no street plowing, we are happy to live here.

Death in LTC

The most recent death while preventable, is not unexpected. http://www.thestar.com/News/GTA/article/421017
I predict an inquiry in which, as my husband said, will only result in two deaths: the already deceased frail senior and the truth.

A new long-term care act, part of Health Minister George Smitherman's "revolution" into nursing home care, promised after a 2003 Star investigation into nursing home neglect, will further tighten the rules around restraints. Homes must first show that there is no alternative before they can be used.

The truth is clear. Some seniors must be restrained. Seat belts must be tight. If a senior is determined to get out of a chair, they will worry it with all their might.

My heart goes out to families who must choose LTC and leaving family members in profit-oriented institutions. Long-Term Care has faced a great deal of criticism and the current crisis overwhelms a system unable to care for its seniors in dignity and respect. The barriers are immense: lack of funds for more staff, untrained staff, lack of staff to hire, and the inability of a system to maintain already high waiting lists of ailing seniors. We cannot meet their needs either at home or in the LTC sector. There are not enough nurses, physicians, or PSWs.
The food is bland and unappetizing.
Issues include:
• More palliative care rooms.
• More staff
• Better trained staff with a wide-range of expertise to manage chronic disease
• Family health teams that include PSWs, Nurse Practitioners, Physician Assistants, as well as Physicians, to address issues and deliver a full range of care
• More funding for staff
• Requirements for in-service training of PSWs, and medical staff, including nurses and physicians in geriatric issues: physical and mental health issues which require specific treatments
• More continuity of care, with staffing levels that permit this to occur


I recall my father desperately trying to release the seat belt mechanism on his wheelchair. In his advanced state of dementia he could not understand that he needed to stay in the chair. More often than not I would go into the LTC residence and find him worrying the seat belt, trying to take it off, instead removing his pants, and knocking things over in the process.

Restraints are important. Dad would continually get up out of bed in the night, fall, and then lie on the floor. First they raised the sides of the bed. This did not work. They put mattress pads on the floor around his bed and lowered it to the floor. Eventually, he was physically unable to roll out of he bed. It is heart-breaking to see.