What is the measure of a life?

comforter quest

This post was prompted by my one of my  clients.
We were looking at old photos, and I picked up one that showed three friends, tall, 20-somethings, dating back to perhaps taken in 1957. He pointed to the man on the right, "Church Minister", pointed to the one on the left, "Teacher". Pointed to the man in the middle, "Me.", and shrugged his shoulders as if to say his life was inconsequential.

Many of my Lanark County clients were farmers, ferriers, contractors; ordinary people, with ordinary lives. Many have interesting stories to tell me.


What is the measure of a life?
It is not in the value of the car, the home, the land, a salary, or a career. It is not in the style of one's hair, the clothes one wears, nor the shape of a body. The value of a person is in how s/he is treated by those who love them. And, in return, the love s/he shows for them. Sometimes that love is simply in accepting a loved one's help. Sometimes it is in accepting the help of a stranger. Sometimes the help of many strangers.

Rest easily, December 1937 - 2011

We know that the measure of a person is...immeasurable.
God Don't Make No Junk, I've read here and there. We cannot measure some by their deeds, as many haven't climbed mountains, or won fame and glory.

We have seen the laud and praise heaped on the late Canadian Jack Layton, the late Ottawa journalist Earl McRae, Jamie Hubley, or 33-year-old Danielle Naçu.

These people have won the hearts of those whom they'be touched. But we cannot judge a person by how many attend their funeral, or whether they achieved greatness and glory. My late father had 9 people at his funeral. Predeceased by my mother, my mother's neighbour and dear friend told me she didn't have the heart to attend Dad's funeral. Mom died on Mother's Day weekend, 2006, Dad died Feb. 16, 2007. Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living. There is much comfort in sharing grief, even a stranger's grief.

Can't measure a person
by the cost of childbirth
$42.00 in 1937

Wee young Jamie Hubley, a gr. 10 student who died by his own hand, had many strangers at his funeral. After facing bullies, homophobics, teasing and depression. (We cannot call it committing suicide, as if this person was a felon.) He was driven into taking his life by his mental ill health.

Wanda liked the comforter

These are the sung heroes. The unsung heroes are those to toil in caring for a palliative family member, with no hope and no support. They get little attention. They get up every day and do it all over again. Family caregivers are immeasureable, too. I've been there. I know. Some receiving Home Care could have a dozen or more different PSWs and/or nurses to care for them. Continuity is difficult. We are short such staff in Ontario.
Thankfully, in Canada, we do not measure a life. All receive healthcare.

I love this message: All we need is...

Someone to love,
Something to do,
Something to hope for!

Someone to love

When my parents died, and I quit teaching, I knew I had people I loved, and family who loved me: my husband, children, grandchildren, cats. Care recipients feel unloveable and imagine themselves a burden. Tell them you love them.

Something to do
I didn't have much to do, had burned out caregiving, and had little left to do on a daily basis. I had everything I needed and wanted: family, a decent home, a modest pension. But the daily routine of getting up, making lunch, going out to work, changes your life. Many who retire find it difficult having nothing to do.

Something to hope for
I had lost hope. I was content with my life, but knew something was missing. We have enough money to repair and maintain our home, and live simply. We do not travel abroad, that is something neither of us wish for. We spend much time in the region, traveling to fairs and festival, eating at new restaurants, taking photos, capturing photos of flora and fauna.

I found something to hope for after volunteering. I hoped to make a difference. I have channelled my hopes into hoping to have a good day. I work out for a half hour. Work outdoors gardening, or raking, creating sculptures in our yard. I dug a goldfish pond in late summer. That was fun. I'd hoped for a goldfish pond and it turned out to be a frog pond!

Doing end-of-life care is very rewarding to me. This is my 'something to do', now.

I bought this Angel of Courage
for my late mom,

I took it in to my client.

I am concerned that those who are palliative do not end up like my father: angry, morbid, agitated, and in pain. I have spent many hours doing a life review with clients, something I wished I'd done with my Mom and Dad. He lost hope, and we seldom spoke during his dying of the good times; his earliest or his favourite memories, his message to his children, his favourite childhood memories.

There are things to hope for at this stage of life. Many talk about the language we use around cancer. We must eradicate the 'battling cancer' imageries, for many should not be called losers. It is not a war. Cells gone wrong is what cancer is about. You body manufacturing faulty cells.

It's not a battle. Those who die by their own hand have lost hope.
At death's door you hope for support, a kind word, a soft touch.

Hope means laughter
What helps is a good laugh. I take this book into all of my client's. Dr. Seuss. My current client calls me "Dr. Seuss", as he couldn't remember my name in the sea of names and faces or caregivers that come and go from his home. For those with poor eyesight I read it to them. Others refuse to read this "kid's book!"

Very comical and priceless for 7's to 70's!

Why fit in when you were born to stand out? ~ Dr. Seuss

Unfortunately, many are no longer able to stand.

 I usually dress up when volunteering. No uniform, bright colours. It pleases those who are feeling drab. My late mother spoke of her best friend, Darya Arden, visiting her after a miscarriage sometime in the 1950s, and her friend wore her best red dress, and a bright red hat. Aunt Darya brought me bright red strawberry soaps when MY daughter was born (1979).

You hope to be clean and pain free.
Some people find something to hope for in a smiling face of a caregiver. It doesn't matter what you say, but it is how you look at and treat another person. The comfort of someone who gives you unconditional love.

That man is wealthy beyond measure. Whether it be a son who is there when he is needed, or a stranger who gently changes a bed, or another who sits in amicable silence. That man is rich.

A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. 
    -Oscar Wilde, writer (1854-1900) 

Conclusion of #comforterquest

Poor old Wanda, the cat, is sitting vigil under her daddy's bed. She had a quiet day.

My client was in fine fettle this afternoon.
After I'd walked in wearing my Leafs jersey, we'd shared our joke.
As I left he said, "Go, Sens, go!"

His evening PSW he told, "If you see a guy with a long beard and tattoos, he's my son. Just tell him, "Down, Rob, Down." He has some precious moments. I would have loved to have known him when...

some tattoo!

Stu got the comforter from Michael Nagy, the buyer, downtown in Ottawa. 

I phone Rob and asked if he'd be my body guard while I sat in a parking lot. Truth. He'd been napping while the other caregiver was there. He usually did the midnight shift when Dad need meds or TLC.

Stu catches the comforter downtown Ottawa
from Michael Nagy

There was a plan for Stu and I to meet. I figured I might be able to make it fun. Truly didn't want to drive alone.

Yes, it's true. I picked up Rob. We sat in the Franktown Parc 'N Ride, me and my client's son. Waiting, hoping the cops didn't come by. If they did, I had the print out of many of the tweets of this developing story. Under strict instructions to phone home when we arrived I did.
Hubby told us we were early and might have time to pop into a couple of pubs while we were waiting. Truth is, you can't even get a pop in Franktown at 9:00 at night!

It was around 9 pm, a small white car pulled into the parking lot. There was a logo on the side, and it wasn't the OPP! It was Stu.

The handover in the parking lot!

 Rob was handed the comforter by our hero, Stu. Giggles all around.

Rob & Stu: Franktown: From Cottage Country Reflections

We sat and laughed and Rob said it was touching and wonderful –all that everyone did for us. Ah well. The deed is done and we all made a son very happy.

I took Rob home, and we went up to see his Dad. Dad was sleeping. I reached over and touched his shoulder, a frail hand reached up from under his covers and said, "Go away and let me sleep!"

Rather a hoot after all this, but understandable. Me an' my tattooed friend, Rob, had a blast. Dad went back to sleep.

My client has his comforter. That's the important thing, and I am burned out. I took Saturday off, and visited with my friends and grandkids. I haven't had a life since taking up this quest a week before.
I've had this client for two weeks.

Read the first segment here. "The Ottawa-Carleton-Gatineau #comforterquest", the power of social media to work for good.

UPDATE:

Apparently I was out of the loop. The Sens had been talking to Stu all along. I'm not sure why they didn't contact me directly. Sens head office phoned Stu, quite miffed at my suggestion that their support was lukewarm.

They offered to have Spartacat to deliver the comforter.

I declined this potential exploitation of my client, a Spartacat photo-op. One is not at their best when palliative with cancer. I still submit that they could have sent some swag. They got a lot of tweets and CBC coverage from this.
But that is just my opinion and I am entitled to it, sitting as I did, bedside afternoons for two weeks straight.

 I don't know what motivates people.
@Monkeyboard was the most altruistic, as was the anonymous benefactor who offered to pay to have the comforter transported to us in Perth, or Janine who offered to pick it up and get it out to us in Lanark County.

photo from Stu Mills' camera
my flash crapped out

The comforter quest

This is the preamble. The conclusion of my story is here.

I am a hospice volunteer, one of 85 in Lanark County alone (part of south east LHIN, CHSLC.ca). We survive on partial ministry funding and partial donations. 

I represent all of us who make a difference in the life of someone at end-of-life. We give respite to family members who are burned out or burned up.
We have volunteers who dispatch and deliver Meals on Wheels.
We drive people to appointments when they don't have transportation, or accompany them when they don't have a friend.
We subsidize certain types of care (transportation, footcare) if there are financial issues.
We are friendly visitors in long-term care, retirement homes, or in private homes.
We are people who have some knowledge, spare time and skills. It doesn't cost a lot of money to be a volunteer, but it does cost energy. This we can freely give, and it comes back ten-fold.

"For those to whom much is given, much is required."

I sent out a tweet October 14th, hoping someone could grant my hospice client's wish. My client wanted a Sens comforter to replace the one that was dirty, and pretty crappy looking. Covered in one thing and another, including cat hair, it was time.

I found a fleece blanket in Smiths Falls Cheap-mart October 14th, but it wasn't thick enough. I didn't buy it and now I am sorry. I felt sure we could find a real comforter somewhere.

Palliative clients are often cold and thin.
My poor dad! 

His son found a sensible plaid one comforter to replace the old comforter client refuses to give up until his new mattress pad arrives.. Without transportation to Ottawa parts wide and far, what could he do? He's usually up in the wee hours ensuring that his dad has his pain pills. As a caregiver you often don't have the energy to do much more than basic activities of daily living (ADLs) that a care recipient needs.

 I didn't think that blue plaid was good enough. My client told me he wanted a Sens comforter, red. With good people in this city, willing to go above and beyond, willing to sit in city parks to protest the disparities between rich and poor, some of us are willing to make phone calls and do internet research for those who cannot. It is a small thing that makes a big difference.

I was giving care to my client. Put away the novel he was reading. Found his TV clicker. He asked me to plug in his electric razor. He knew when it had charged, he has no dementia, and then he asked me to unplug it and give it to him. He asked me to turn his light away from his face, I did so. 

He thanked me profusely. Small comforts, the least I could do.

Tuesday I gave him a haircut. He was happy. I shaved his sideburns. Happier still.

A simple thing, like flowers, makes a person feel loved.

Then, he began to apologize for being so bossy and demanding. I wrote him a note (as he is deaf) and said, "I want to pay it forward. There may be a time when I need someone to do this for me! I can't read your mind, and you have to tell me what you need and what you want!"
He smiled, turned over and went to sleep.

You see, everyone else comes in to poke, prod, change him, and I'm simply there for respite for his son, and to keep him company. Some clients want to be left alone, others want to be left to do their own thing, and I am there for the peace of mind of the family members who must work, do errands or take a break.

Now, in my late Mother's case, a perfectionist neatnik, even *she* let housekeeping go when she was ill. The stains on the floor from her incontinence she attributed to the dog. It was her way of coping. You only have the energy to keep on living, not to houseclean, make meals, have visitors. I wiped off my client's coffee table, washed off his family photos in their frames, and the TV stand. Wanda's fur was EVERYWHERE! Again, my client smiled, through his pain and angst, and thanked me profusely. Visitors to those who are ill make some vague offer help, but sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns.

In the meantime Twitterverse was heating up. I sent a direct tweet to the mayor @JimWatsonOttawa, who RT to all his followers. Still nothing.

Oct. 16th I was discouraged

@ 

every team BUT the Sens

@janine_klaas @StuMillsCBC Seems to be lap blankets but not #comforterquest I may just go or the lap blanket $30 vs. $80 but the warmth...

My son-in-law asked his friends, they thought you could get one by signing up for a MasterCard. That didn't pan out.
On to the next step of #comforterquest...   janine_klaas  tried in Gatineau; she tweeted 'Rats, no luck!' 
On the weekend, Janine offered to contribute to the cost of the one Stu Mills found on eBay. It was $60, not cheap, plus $20 shipping and handling, but with a far off closing timeline for the bid (Oct. 20th) I wondered, as well as the distance it had to travel I felt sure we could find something nearby. I e-mailed the vendor Stu found on e-Bay. I asked if he would be willing to sell it right away. No answer.

Janine offered to use her Fedex account to get it to us. She's offered to help with payment and delivery. I think it was @mirgray who dreamed up the hashtag #comforterquest

mirgray Miranda Gray: 

(Oct 17th) I checked smaller shops at Place D'Orleans for Sens bedding. Amazing that this is so hard to find. @StuMillsCBC #comforterquest #ottawa

In the meantime, he had caregivers in (3 times a day), and the nurse (2x's/day). Then hubby sent me in with a gift for my client's cat, Wanda. A catnip tomato. She was thrilled. She used it as a pillow, placing her paw on it! Pets are often left out of the whole caregiving deal. Everyone concentrates on the client, some caregivers aren't cat people, pets are worried about their owner, life just isn't right. I gave her some TLC.

Nick, of @OpenFileOTT, did a fabulous piece, after interviewing me one night on the phone. I told him our story. He said he'd get onto it.

Stu, undaunted, tried Rideau Sears on the weekend (Oct. 15/16)th, Sears is licenced to carry Sens gear. He tweeted a photo to show me, all but Sens logos. It was comforting, 'scuse the pun, to know that people will go that extra mile for a person they'd never met.

I tried posting on Ottawa Valley freecycle.org (my Green kids told me about them last year. I have passed on a frige, 8 x 6' TV antenna, and some extra clay post!)
Still nothing. 
Several clever people included the #Sens hashtag. I'd looked on-line –and their website was great if you wanted to buy tickets. Not a hockey fan, I had little idea. (Yes, I am likely the only resident of Lanark County, other than hubby, who isn't a hockey fan!)

story ends happily!

Stu tried Cheap-mart Orleans, Sears, Zellers Place Orleans. NADA! Stu being the great mover and shaker and person with good contacts in Ottawa, the suggestions kept coming had an idea on:

 Then Dan Walker  had an idea:

@StuMillsCBC has @sensfoundation been contacted w/ regards to #comforterquest ?

I didn't know there was a Sens Foundation! Stu and I both e-mailed them... they said to phone the store Monday. I phoned their store Monday when they opened up. Voice mail. They didn't return my call.

Stu checked all the city Cheap-marts, they carry the comforter, but none of the stores have the Ottawa Sens in stock. Stu talked to the National buyer at Giant Tiger - they don't carry it, it is a rather high-end item! We tried all the stores in Perth. Nothing. 

Finally:

janine_klaas janine klaas 

Joining #comforterquest in Gatineau this morning! @StuMillsCBC @jennjilks

1 hour ago 

There were lap blankets around, but they really aren't the type of comforter that a hospice client requires. Many are cold, and they need to be warm. Not only that but the furnace in the building went off on Monday night, and son put a heater into the room.

StellarJana tried stores in Kingston. 

StuMillsCBC suggested: 

I wondered about sewing Sens sheets into a duvet cover. Would take some time.

janine_klaas janine klaas 

@jennjilks @stumillscbc sewing easy but my machine is in sad shape & been banished to garage. There MUST be 1 out there! #comforterquest

Finally,  @Monkeyboard contacted the vendor AGAIN, and they agreed to buy/sell before the closing date (20th) of the eBay auction.

StuMillsCBC Stu Mills  tweets...

Well done @Monkeyboard! We have an offer from Spartacat to deliver it. Thanks everybody who joined in #comforterquest, and@jennjilks

Bless their hearts, Janine, Stu, 'Monkeyboard'!
And the story continues... Many offered to contribute to the cost.

I wrote on October 17th:

jennjilks Jennifer Jilks 

Never underestimate the power of a little birdy, tweeting in the night. #comforterquest Many thanks to all my new friends!

Last night, the 19th, worried how long he has, my client's PSW went home and brought in her fleece blanket. Client was quite pleased. Something bright in his room. Ready to let go, he wrote to a caregiver on the 19th:

"Thanks for your care over the last couple of years but there is only so much medical science can do. Just let me go pain free."

In hindsight I should have simply bought the Cheap-mart fleece for $30 the first time I spotted it. Yet, my client read some of the #comforterquest tweets, and how many were looking for it on his behalf, and he was touched. He feels he is a burden and didn't realize how much people were helping.

The comforter is now in Ottawa. We are making arrangement to get it to me to deliver when I visit my client this afternoon. Great excitement!