A memorial – mourning or celebration?

Mom, as she was in life.

I have to say that I am against roadside memorials. I am. I believe that a memorial where a person died focuses too much on the death, and not on the living.

A memorial gives power to those who may have caused a death. Terrorism breeds terror. We must rob them of this power.

Mom's urn (left) and Dad's at his Celebration of Life

I know that I remember my parents and grandmother all the time. Mourning is much healthier when one looks at a loved one's achievements. What was it that made your loved one great? What did they do? What did they accomplish, however average, big or small? Once I got over the last few weeks of my mother's passing, I was better able to focus on the great love they showed in adopting me. The life she gave me was precious, her lessons well-taken, her love, unconditional. And this cannot be mourned. This must be celebrated.

Her last days were filled with angst, and anger at me for being there to supervise her care. I was fearful that I wasn't doing enough. She was fearful that I would put her in LTC or hospital.
I fought with my late father's physician and nurses for more pain medications. This is no different than those who lose loved ones to violence or violent incidents.

A private, family moment of joy, laughter and love

Much joy in the great memories!

But, once it is over, it is over. No going back. One makes the best decisions at the time. No second guessing. I did what I thought best at the time: finding a job near her home, calling in Red Cross support workers (through CCAC) to help us out. She rebelled until the last two weeks. I was stressed working full-time and managing her care, while Dad was getting radiation therapy my brother had taken him to in far-away Toronto. Yes, a bad time, I ended up in a depression. But that is over. I am finding healing in telling my story, and helping others cope, while I volunteer as a professional caregiver.

A story in the Ottawa citizen writes of urns found by divers in the Ottawa river. 'Hulse, Playfair & McGarry' was on it. The diver brought it there. Then the family indicated that the urn was dumped in the river on purpose. Why? Isn't this illegal? I recall the story of the woman swimming through a mysterious amount of ash floating on the surface of Lake Muskoka. Someone had chosen to sprinkle a loved one's ashes in the lake. There are places to buy non-floating packets in which to place ashes, they sink to the bottom, but is this fair to the rest of the community?

The dead and the nearly departed 
 September 11, 2011
...scuba diver who had found a sealed cremation urn on the bottom of the Ottawa River. He promptly paid a visit, urn in hand. The funeral home made the link...call. Oops. The family had thrown the urn in the river, on purpose, as a fitting...

I laud those who turn their grief into work for others, i.e., suicide prevention.

Sep 04, 2011

Walk with purpose to bring suicide out of the shadows

CARLETON PLACE – You’ll never have to walk alone.

Or the Message in the Bottle.

The message in the bottle

The story of the Mintz family's campaign against drunk driving.

Cottage Country Reflections: The message in the bottle

Mar 15, 2009

Click on the logo at left to visit The Message in the Bottle website and view the other videos. Sad documentaries to the pain that happens after you lose your son in a highly preventable accident. We must bring home the idea ...

Cottage Country Reflections: Summer travel on the roads

Jul 04, 2009

I wrote about The Message in the Bottle website previously, on My Muskoka. My friend, Cindy, reprised the story and documented it on the one-year date in her post: Drinking and driving . It breaks my heart as a mom and ...

Recreation of an accident scene

Apr 02, 2009

The Reconstructionist from The Message In The Bottle on Vimeo. On July 3rd, 2008 in Muskoka, Ontario three young men (Cory Mintz, 20, Tyler Mulcahy, 20 and Kourosh Totonchian, 19) died in a car accident that involved alcohol.

9/11 Memorials
The 9/11 stories are interesting, stories of heroes and the brave firefighters who lost their lives, but the violation of privacy, by the media, of some family members of victims, borders on harassment and exploitation.

One artist's work, featuring paintings of those who leaped to their deaths from the twin towers, is just eerie. yes, she is dealing with her shock by painting it, but she wasn't there, and no one know who these people were. The photos would give such grief to their loved ones, if they thought they jumped like that. A young lady, who was 12 at the time of 9/11, spoke of her PTSD as an elementary school student who was there and watched these people jumping to their deaths.

There is healthy grieving, and not-so-healthy. We know that 9/11 changed the world, many believe not for the better. We must focus on the lessons learned, on the lives that were saved, on the heroes, e.g., FLight 93 passengers who fought the terrorist and prevented further deaths.

Flight 93

10 Years of Remembrance. Honor the Heroes of Flight 93. [The plane that went down in Shanksville, near to Washington.]