The black dog sits in the corner, drooling

Walking is man's best medicine.

-Hippocrates, the Father of Medicine (460-377 BCE)

I went for a walk today, walking the Black Dog. A short one into town. With the stress of moving, and leaving this home, I am finding that my depression symptoms have been coming back. I am still taking antidepressants all the time. The black dog appeared first when I suddenly divorced (1993), having been married at age 19 - quite the shock. I did not realize it at the time. I didn't sink too low, but sink I did, taking a month off of work, losing 30 lbs. and during the next occurrence (2003: workplace bullying) I sunk  even deeper. The brain reacts the same way when stress hits again. This time it was two months off of work. I gardened and tried to heal, regain my confidence.

For the most part, once my life settled down in 2008 (2006: moving, caring for dying parents, losing my home and friends, workplace issues) my brain settled down too. I published a book about my journey, and can say that journalling truly helps. I am still having social anxiety, strangers and groups of people make me nervous. That said, I gave a double presentation at the NSM Palliative Care Conference last June, and I was fine.

Unfortunately, mental health issues are seldom spoken of and little understood. As with misunderstanding of, for example, learning disabilities, kids were 'lazy'. This, too, is a physiological reaction to stress, and differs for each person. With depression, certain triggers can cause anxiety. I found, in the midst of my caregiving duties I had panic attacks. Anything that I felt threatened me, loud people, danger,  parking on a hill (seriously!) caused sudden hand trembling. If I accidentally hurt myself, stubbed a toe, hit my hand on something accidentally, or run into something, I feel as if the whole world is after me.

Different people have different triggers. For me, it is noise pollution, too many strangers around me,  issues making decisions, and change. Moving, with all the minutiae of making decisions about moving 3 cats, contacting utilities, leaving behind our cottage of nearly 50 years, I wake in the night planning, preparing, fussing over details and losing precious sleep.

I can feel my hands begin to tremble, and I have a feeling of agitation. I feel as if I cannot defend myself against these assaults. I find I have attention issues, and I feel as if I am on the alert to anything and everything in my environment.

Visit depressionhurts.ca

Those of us susceptible to depression have to be on the watch for signs and symptoms as they reoccur. It helps to let loved ones know your triggers. But watch for emotional issues, fatigue, sleep complications, an inability to think or concentrate, experiencing unexplained aches and pains, and weight gain or loss.  As with all symptoms, either too much or too little can be a sign, e.g., weight gain or weight loss, too little or too much sleep.

Chemically, with severe depression, there is an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain. That fight or flight response kicks in too much with your brain throwing itself into high gear. It can be triggered, as mine was, with grief issues, or menopause, traumatic events. Each time I have a new episode, I find it is both more severe, but more recognizable.  Your body is trying to be vigilant and alert, by putting dopamine into your nervous system. This is why certain antidepressants work for some to limit the dopamine in your system.  They are reuptake inhibitors that do not allow the dopamine to bombard your nervous system, and limits the brain activity. For others, counselling works. Supportive friends makes a difference, too. Ensuring that you are eating well is crucial. See your doctor as s/he is the best person to manage your well-being. You are at risk for high blood pressure, and other health complications.

What helps me is exercise (30 min/day!), relaxation techniques, vitamins, writing, reading, photography, and being in nature. Looking after MIND; BODY; SPIRIT. Also, someone understanding what I am going through. No blaming; just naming. Confidence in knowing it will pass.  I learned a lot about myself. Mostly, I forgave myself my mistakes and took care of myself. I began to volunteer and avoided pressure in social situations. I chose to avoid people who caused me grief. I hope this helps you understand someone near and dear to you.

Mental Health issues- the elephant in the room

It is terribly important that we recognize the elephant in the room: the Black Dog of Depression. I wrote about my health issues, while taking care of failing parents. Sinking ever lower, each time an event or circumstance slapped me silly, it is hard to rise above the way our bodies cope with stress and social-emotional issues.

My divorce, being bullied by my principal, dating in my 40's, then: moving, finding a new job, working with sexually precocious teen boys, giving palliative care for my mother and father within 9 months, it all took its toll on me. I was working full-time, as a teacher, with many years working with special needs students. A strong advocate for this fragile children, I felt I made a difference.

I think this is true of all the social work professions. When you deal with those down and out, ill, when your work so important, you cannot help but give your all. I have read two blog posts, by health care workers, that illustrate how pervasive this silent issue has become. No longer can we ignore it.

The Black Dog - Churchill named it first, TERN writes of her depression

Depression - the black dog - not fitting in - ups and downs

TERN offers advice, well-placed. As an emergency room nurse, she knows stress and pressure. Just listen, do not judge. There, but for the grace of...[name your deity].

I, too, fought thepowersthatbe, and ended up in depression due to normal life circumstances. My students with ill-health, dealing with bereavement issues, divorce, those in foster care who popped in for two months, only to be sent to a new foster home, kids who lived in poverty, and kids desperate to meet birth parents. It is a heavy burden.

She is right: a listening ear is the best thing. I faced antagonism and angry bosses who demanded I do more, more, more. I faced those who did not understand.

With few role models, and fewer mentors, strong women, whose leadership makes a difference, stand alone in the world still. My advice: stand strong, plant a garden, dig in the earth, walk in the sunshine and the light. Know you are a beautiful person, and you are loved.